Monday, March 28, 2022

IF I HAD A MILLION (1932)

 

An ornery and dying Magnate decides his wealth should be distributed to eight strangers, so with a dropper full of morphine he picks random names from the city directory. The film is framed by the story of this angry man John Glidden who spurns his heirs and colleagues; each short story has his brief appearance as he hands the character a certified check for a million dollars. This wish fulfillment fantasy reflects its time at the height of the Great Depression as the tales are tinged with O. Henry irony, comeuppance and stark nihilism. These tales are of ordinary people struggling to live with some small amount of dignity who search for solace in the tiniest corners of their lives. 

Prologue/ Epilogue: (Norman Taurog)

CHINA SHOP (Norman Z. McLeod) Henry Peabody (Charles Ruggles) is a small man harangued by a domineering and shrill wife who berates him about his small paycheck every day (though she’s happy he is still working, mind you). Henry is an Accountant demoted to salesclerk whose clumsy hands, good at punching the adding machine, are useless in a store full of expensive china. His boss Mr. Bullwinkle berates him every working hour and deducts each broken cup, vase and saucer from his weekly paycheck. There are some laugh-at-loud moments in Henry’s anxious dream sequence where he visualizes his wife’s head on various pieces of chine before disaster. When presented with his financial windfall Henry, now dressed to the nines, gives Bullwinkle a wink and becomes a bull in a china shop! 

VIOLET (Stephen Roberts) Violet Smith’s (Wynne Gibson) life hasn’t come up roses. In fact, it pretty much stinks. She’s an aging prostitute who just wants a decent room and bed of her own. At first fearing a proposition, she eventually takes the money (without strings) and checks herself into the swankiest hotel in the city. When she sees two pillows on the bed she chucks it away, knowing she can finally sleep alone. She can undress at her leisure and tuck herself in: this is Pre-Code so we get a rather exploitative point-of-view as she peels away her clothes revealing her lacy black bra, garter and stockings but look closely, even a tattoo on her shoulder! This is the shortest story but it’s poignant and gets directly to the heart of the matter. 

THE FORGER (H. Bruce Humberstone) Eddie Jackson (George Raft) is a four-time loser facing life for Felony Forgery. When presented with a cashier’s check for a million dollars he cannot bank it because his face is splashed over the headlines of every city paper! As criminal with no one to trust he eventually trades the worthless piece of paper for a dime bed in a homeless shelter. His windfall goes up in smoke. Literally. 

ROAD HOGS (Norman Z. McLeod) Emily (Alison Skipworth) and Rollo (W.C. Fields) are enjoying their retirement from the vaudeville stage by running a small Tea Room. Emily’s one wish is to have a new car and when it’s smashed by a distracted driver on her first drive she’s devastated. She and her beau use their fortune to purchase a convoy of cars and drivers to teach other road hogs a lesson! The chemistry between the two mains actors is wonderful as Field’s little nicknames (My little glow-worm) are imbued with earnest compassion and through their antics are joined as one whole being. It helps makes this story feel sincere and hilarious. What a glorious day!

DEATH CELL (James Cruz) The most nihilistic story of the portmanteau. John Wallace (Gene Raymond) is being read his viaticum when he receives notice of his good fortune. He believes money will save him from the electric chair, but he is dead wrong. Ever a narcissist, he is a dead man walking whose salvation is as flammable as a paper check. 

THE CLERK (Ernst Lubitsch) Phineas V. Lambert (Charles Laughton) is a desk-bound clerk who pushes paper for “the man”. When he pushes a certain piece of paper into his bank account, he journeys to the president’s office to share his good fortune...by blowing him a raspberry! Laughton only speaks two words in this short skit but his facial expressions reveal much. 

THE THREE MARINES (William A. Seiter) Steve Gallagher (Gary Cooper), Mulligan (Jack Okie) and O’Brien (Roscoe Karns) are three marines who seem to spend most of their time in the Guard House for pugilistic infractions with superior officers. Gallagher is given the check and believes it as phony as the play money they use for their poker games. When he and his buddies are released, they all want to take the local bugger-flipping beauty queen out to the carnival, but all are short on cash. Gallagher signs the check over for a $10 cash advance and gets his night out. The chemistry between the three is like the bond between brothers: pummeling and playful, standing up to any outsider who interferes. Cooper is charming, Oakie is smug and Karns is a smart-ass. Yet they handle their fate with resignation and humor. 

GRANDMA (Stephen Roberts) The best story in the bunch packs a lot of Pathos and Thanatos. Mary Walker (Mary Robson) is a resident of a nursing home full of depressed and aging spinsters, their husbands long deceased and their families far away. During the Depression this must have been even more distressing than today as they feel the full financial burden of having to be supported by their children. Remember, this is the time before Social Security or other government programs like Medicare or Medicaid. Mary rebels against the tyrant of the home whose casual cruelty makes it seem more like a prison. To see these octogenarians, talk to a pillow to pretend a husband is still alive or try to find normalcy in wanting to bake biscuits, to be functional instead of sitting around waiting to die, is heart breaking. But Mary ensures that the tyrannical overseer and her cohorts gets their chair-rocking comeuppance! Brilliant. 

Final Grade: (B+)